


Sincerity Is Scary

by alimacbrux



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009-2010 Era, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexuality, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, This is angsty but I swear it has a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-03 02:38:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17275526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alimacbrux/pseuds/alimacbrux
Summary: Dan and Phil have been dating for almost six months now. Despite his doubts, Dan decides that he's finally ready to have sex with Phil for the first time. But what happens when Dan realizes that maybe sex just isn't for him?





	Sincerity Is Scary

When Dan first found Phil on YouTube, he had already been in the midst of a sexuality crisis; he was an anxious and unsure 18 year old, trying to discover the world and come to terms with the fact that he liked boys. 

In fact, it was the very existence of Phil that seemed to make Dan certain of his preferences. He would re-watch his videos when he was sad or lonely, like every one of his posts on every website he could find and fantasize about knowing him better. But oddly enough, unlike the tales of most of his other friends, his “fantasies” never stretched to anything sexual. 

He thought about cuddling him in bed, kissing him forever, holding his hand, talking to him for hours upon hours until their eyes hurt and the sun was beginning to appear from behind the trees. He wanted to go on dates with him and tease him about cheesy things and get to know him better until he knew him as well as he knew himself. 

But he never thought of sex. 

Dan tried not to think about that. He pushed that to the back of his mind every time his brain piped up that there might be a reason for it. He shoved this thought inside a locked drawer in the depth of his mind, alongside the creeping realizations that perhaps his mind was a bit fucked up at the moment. 

Everything was fine. He was completely normal. He just had a moody personality and wasn't interested in sex. 

Nothing to worry about.

-

The first time Phil noticed him, Dan hadn't been sure if he was dreaming or not. When he got the notification on his laptop, at the end of an exhausting day, his heart had leapt into his throat and he nearly threw his computer out of the window in his haste to check the message. 

Slowly but surely, Phil began noticing him more and more often. 

He liked most of the tweets that Dan tagged him in and answered his replies on MySpace and Facebook and replied to him on Twitter.

And then he followed Dan on MySpace.

They became fast and close friends, talking about anything and everything for hours and hours. They messaged each other in DMs about Muse and video games and other YouTubers they both liked. They talked about fears and doubts, hopes and dreams, politics and opinions. They started Skypeing and texting and tweeting each other. 

Soon, what began as a simple friendship full of banter and teasing turned into a complicated relationship of flirting and complimenting and talks of the future together. 

Dan could barely believe his luck. 

Especially the day he boarded a train to Manchester with his heart in his sweaty hands and anticipation and excitement running through his veins. 

-

As the robotic voice on the loudspeaker announced its arrival at the station, Dan nearly decked it jumping to his feet. A smile played on his lips, heart knocking at his ribs as he reached up to grab his backpack from the overhead storage. 

Dan scurried off the train as soon as it pulled into the station, apologizing as he rammed into someone else's shoulder. 

Dan whipped out his mobile, grinning when he saw a text from Phil: 

Phil: That's me at the station. Can't wait to see you x

Dan's face flushed and a giggle burst out. Dan felt remarkably like a school girl in an anime at that moment. He shook his head at his own antics and started making his way through the crowds, standing on his toes to see over the people's heads. Not that it was difficult, considering his height. 

It wasn't long before he caught sight of the familiar black fringe, standing just a few metres away. A grin melted across his face and Dan couldn't help the shriek of “PHIL!” as he shoved his way through the crowd and began sprinting over to the other boy. 

Phil, who had been on his phone, looked up just in time to catch Dan in a tight hug, nearly dropping his phone. Dan wrapped his arms securely around Phil's neck, eyes burning, and Phil pulled him close by his waist. 

“I'm so happy to finally have you in my arms,” Phil whispered in Dan's ear, sending a shock through Dan's body like he'd touched an electric fence. 

An involuntary sob escaped and Dan was quick to wipe away the relieved, excited, ecstatic, _happy _tears that fell from his eyes.__

__He was finally home._ _

__-_ _

__Their first day together was like a dream. They wandered together all over the city, going in and out of stores, talking and laughing like they'd been together for decades. It was easy. Despite his fears that their relationship was best left online, Dan found that they worked even better in the real world._ _

__When Phil suggested they take a ride on the Manchester Eye, Dan was all for it. It was nearing night fall, the sky beginning to turn from pale blue to a fiery red and orange, the bright orange sun skimming the tops of trees. Dan was giddy and excited after the heaped day they had together, giggling and smiling, heart racing._ _

__Dan was about to make a comment about the size of the Eye when he felt Phil slip his hand into his. Dan's eyes widened, snapping his mouth closed and he looked down to see their hands linked together for the first time. Phil caught his eye, looking sheepishly between their hands and Dan's face._ _

__Dan shook his head, beaming, and simply laced their fingers together, squeezing._ _

__They moved up in line._ _

__The view from the Manchester Eye was astounding. From all sides, they could see the entire city stretched out before them. They could see some of the squares still filled with people milling about and all of the cool buildings made from brick and sandstone and concrete._ _

__But really, all Dan wanted to look at was Phil._ _

__He was just so pretty with his porcelain skin and his curious, bright blue eyes that swirled with yellow and green and his jet black hair falling into his face. Everything about him was sharp and contrasting, his hair and skin and eyes juxtaposing each other and his cheekbones sharp enough to leave a mark._ _

__What was better was that Phil was staring right back._ _

__Unwittingly, Dan's eyes darted to Phil's lips for a split second and his tongue slipped over his own lips to wet them again._ _

__Even Dan noticed that Phil's breath caught in his throat at the sight._ _

__And so, throwing all caution out of the small compartment, Dan leapt upon Phil, pressing their lips hastily together. Phil barely paused for a second before he kissed back. It was a mess of teeth and tongues and lips colliding, hands searching and grabbing and hearts beating rapidly. They didn't even notice the compartment slowly moving around, too occupied with the sudden desperate need to be kissing, tasting, feeling each other._ _

__And Dan had never been more certain just how much he liked Phil._ _

__-_ _

__It was now 2010 and Dan and Phil were spending the evening cozied up together in Phil’s flat._ _

__So much had happened between them now. Dan was silently thanking any deities that may exist for his sheer luck in finding Phil, nevermind the fact that he liked him back._ _

__But even so, something still wasn't right._ _

__It wasn't at all that Phil was pushy about it. But Dan was blatantly aware that Phil was into sex. He was flirtatious and smooth, hand on Dan's knee and fly-away comments and quick, subtly sexual remarks easily dripping from his lips. When they cuddled in Phil's bed after a long day, soon enough, Phil's hands were wandering south._ _

__So far, Dan had been able to brush him off, stating that he wasn't ready or that he wanted to take it slow. And Phil was oh so sweet, always moving his hands away immediately and assuring him that that was fine with a quick peck of his lips and a gooey warm smile._ _

__But Dan couldn't deny how guilty he was feeling._ _

__He wanted to make Phil happy, wanted to make him feel good. Maybe he was just overreacting. He trusted Phil in every entity, trusted him with his life. Phil would take care of him, would never ever hurt him. Sex was supposed to be fun and pleasurable and surely it wouldn't be an exception with them._ _

__Right?_ _

__And that was how Dan found himself sprawled half naked on Phil's bed, leaned up on his elbows to kiss his boyfriend tantalisingly, seductively. Phil was straddling his hips, pressing him onto the mattress, tongue slipping into Dan's mouth._ _

__Dan was all for kissing Phil. He loved every second of it. He loved Phil's taste and loved how their lips fit together perfectly and their tongues slid together like keys slotting in a lock. He loved tangling his fingers in the dark hair, tugging ever so slightly._ _

__But right now, it felt different._ _

__Dan's elbows failed him, making him fall flat on his back, as Phil slipped his fingers teasingly under the waistband of his jeans. He pulled back for a second, looking down at Dan with hooded eyes and his pupils dilated so wide his irises were almost nonexistent. “Is this okay?” he asked, pressing against Dan's crotch, fingers fumbling with the button and zipper of his jeans._ _

___No._ _ _

____Dan nodded, leaning up to kiss him again, hoping to centre himself._ _ _ _

____Soon, his jeans were discarded somewhere in Phil's room, forgotten alongside their shirts and shoes. Phil moved his lips away from Dan's, pressing feather soft kisses along his jaw and down to his neck. Dan squirmed under the intensity, feeling his stomach drop at the feeling of Phil's lips on his neck at that moment._ _ _ _

____Everything, despite how gentle and caring Phil was, felt _wrong wrong wrong _.___ _ _ _

______But Dan continued to let it happen._ _ _ _ _ _

______Not long after, Dan's boxers joined the mix of discarded clothes._ _ _ _ _ _

______Dan let Phil do whatever he wanted. Always. He let Phil kiss him from his neck to his chest, even to his belly, which he hated more than anything. He let his hands roam around, touching and feeling every crevice. He would follow Phil to the ends of the Earth._ _ _ _ _ _

______He was even going to let him fuck him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Is this okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yes.” _No.__ _ _ _ _ _

________“Are you sure about this?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Absolutely.” _Not.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Dan gasped out loud when he felt Phil's finger on his entrance. He swore his heart stopped beating. Phil's finger was slick and slender as it slid inside, stretching him smoothly like he was sure Dan was safe. Dan bit his lip so hard, he could taste blood._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Dan squirmed and squeaked as Phil moved his finger in and out, whispering quiet assurances in his ears. Normally, Dan would feel good hearing Phil tell him he was okay, that he was _safe. _But now, as he added another finger into the mix, Dan barely believed him.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Dan felt broken and scared, but he didn't know why. Phil _loved _him. He wasn't going to hurt him. He was trying to make Dan feel good. He was careful and slow, repeatedly checking to make sure he was okay with whatever activity they did.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________All Dan wanted was for Phil to hear the lies through his teeth as he told him “Yes.” He wanted Phil to stop, but he didn't know how. He knew how Phil wanted this. He didn't want to take that away from him. He would be an awful boyfriend if he took something that made Phil happy just because he was some broken toy, unimportant as the clothes on the floor._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Dan yelped in surprise as Phil added a third finger, pressing it easily inside with the other two. He paused his actions, eyebrows furrowed as he looked down at Dan. “Are you okay?” he asked, using his free hand to brush away the hair that had fallen into Dan's eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Dan nodded vigorously and whispered, “'m fine. Just surprised me, that's all.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Phil's eyes crinkled a bit and he smiled at Dan like he meant the world to him. Dan felt horrible under that gaze all of a sudden, because Phil was so generous and all he was thinking about was making this end. Dan peeled his eyes away from Phil's, guilt and shame settling heavy in his chest like stones. “Okay,” Phil whispered back, “Just tell me if it hurts, yeah?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Dan nodded, knowing full well that he definitely wouldn't._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________A few minutes later, Phil finally pulled his fingers out of Dan's ass. Dan's breathing stuttered at the feeling but he was weirdly calmed when Phil smoothed his hand over his chest to soothe him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Phil clambered off of Dan and never had Dan felt so relieved to have some distance from Phil. But the relief didn't last as he heard him fumbling around in the bedside drawer, appearing too soon with the silver condom packaging held between two fingers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Dan's heart plummeted as he watched Phil suggestively open the wrapper using his teeth, grinning broadly and tossing it aside to pick up later. His mouth went dry and Dan hastily licked his lips to wet them again, earning a sly smile from the older boy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________And then he was being pushed against the mattress again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Phil was lining himself up with his entrance, eyes focused and steady. He glanced back at Dan, unaware of the inner turmoil behind his eyes as Dan smiled sheepishly, assuringly back. _Everything is fine _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________When Phil pressed in, just to the tip, Dan held his breath, shutting his eyes tightly. “Alright?” Phil asked him. Dan opened his eyes again, bobbing his head. Phil smiled again, leaning over to kiss him firmly, groundingly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He pushed in slowly, achingly, watching Dan intensely. Dan had to turn away, terrified that Phil would noticed how not into this he was. He just couldn't face what would happen if Phil realized how much of a freak he was._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________When Phil began properly moving, Dan didn't know what how he was still alive. Phil still moved deliberately, one hand gripping his hip, but all Dan wanted was for him to stop._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Dan barely noticed the tears pricking his closed eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Phil picked up the pace all of a sudden and Dan let out a sob, barely muffling the ferocity of it by biting his lip. “Are you alright?” Phil asked, stalling slightly. Dan nodded, still keeping his eyes firmly shut, afraid of what they might reveal should they open. Phil continued again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Dan felt sick to his stomach as Phil fucked into him, grunting and panting. He wanted to go home, wanted to curl up in a ball by himself, wanted to get up and leave. Dan didn't know exactly what he wanted, but he was certain he wanted this to end. Every thrust felt like a gunshot, every wandering hand like a punch, every whispered promise like a scream._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Everything was wrong. _Wrong wrong wrong.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________When Phil reached up to cup his jaw, running his thumb over Dan's soft, smooth, terrified skin, Dan shattered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________A sob ripped out of his chest and tears began rolling rapidly down his face. He pushed against Phil's chest to get him away, but the other boy was already pulling out and away from him. His sobbing was loud and frustrated, quickly turning into a half scream as he curled in on himself, pulling his knees to his chest and shaking his head quickly back and forth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Dan! Dan, baby, what's wrong? Did I do something?” Phil's anxious, uncertain voice asked, sounding shaky._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Dan grappled around the bed for the soft green and blue covers, unable to reach them. He wanted to cover himself up, wanted to burrow under them and hide the shame that was overwhelming him. He whimpered, slapping Phil's hand harshly away when he felt him touch him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Get off! Get away from me!” he shrieked, sitting up to shove Phil away. Phil stumbled backwards, scrabbling away towards his dresser. His eyes were wide as saucers and glassy as ice as he stared in alarm and shock._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Dan, I'm sorry, I don't know what I did. I'm so—” Phil began, trying to get Dan to stop crying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Dan cut him off sharply, slicing into Phil with his words. “GET OUT!” he screamed, pointing towards the door, tears flooding down his face. Phil sprinted out of the room faster than Dan had ever seen him move, letting the door shut behind him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Once alone, Dan grabbed the covers finally, throwing them over himself and curling up underneath them. His chest was in agony, as if he'd been stabbed a billion times, sobbing and shaking violently._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He had thought he wanted to be alone, but now that Phil was gone, Dan knew he had never felt more alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Ph-Phil?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Almost an hour later, only now that he finally stopped sobbing, Dan crept into the living room. He was fully dressed again, Phil's blue and green duvet wrapped around him as he shuffled into the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Phil was still alone, sitting on the couch under a fuzzy grey blanket, staring at the TV. He looked up when he heard Dan come in, whispering his name quietly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“What, Dan?” Phil asked, voice monotonous and steady. His face was unreadable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Dan swallowed hard, blinking back fresh tears. “I'm sorry,” he said, looking down at his feet. He pulled the duvet tighter around his shoulders._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Whatever,” Phil replied, turning back to the TV. An episode of Friends was playing, showcasing Joey and Chandler arguing about something stupid and pointless. Just like Dan felt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Dan tiptoed in more, knees hitting the arm of the couch. Phil was sitting in the middle of it, determinedly watching the show and ignoring Dan._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Phil, please. I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry,” Dan pleaded, eyes brimming with tears again and blurring his view of the beautiful boy sitting on the couch. Ignoring him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Phil shook his head. “I thought you were enjoying it. Why didn't you tell me you didn't like it?” Phil asked, pausing the TV and turning to face him. Dan blinked and a couple tears fell. Phil had never looked so upset and uncertain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Dan shook his head, almost giving himself whiplash. He hurried over to sit beside Phil, taking his hand in both. “It wasn't that. It wasn't your fault, Phil. It was mine,” Dan insisted, still shaking his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“But of course it was my fault, Dan!” Phil yelled, pulling his hand away and scooting to the other end of the couch. Dan startled, scooting back a bit and catching his lip between his teeth. “I should have known I was bad. I should have stopped, should have noticed that you didn't like it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“No it wasn't! It wasn't your fault and you're the opposite of bad at anything,” Dan cried, “You were taking care of me and you were so, so gentle. It was me, not you, Phil. It was never your fault.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Phil's eyes were glassy with tears and he turned away, looking down at his lap. “But why did you push me away? Did I hurt you?” he asked lowly, voice cracking at the end. He looked back at Dan and again, Dan felt his heart shattering at the sight of tears running down Phil's face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Dan crawled over to Phil, grabbing both of his hands. “You didn't hurt me Phil. I just–I wasn't ready. It was my fault, okay?” Dan squeezed Phil's hands, leaning his head on Phil's shoulder. “It wasn't your fault.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Do you not like me anymore?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Dan sat bolt upright, almost knocking their heads together. “Phil, I _love _you. More than anything in the world,” Dan said, holding Phil's shoulders tightly, “I just don't know if I'm ready to-you know.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Really?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Dan sighed heavily, pulling away to sit back against the couch. He pulled his feet up on the seat, crossing them together. “Wait, are you wearing anything?” Dan asked suddenly, seeing the blanket draped over Phil's lap and his lack of shirt. Dan's explanation could wait._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Phil's cheeks turned scarlet and he shook his head. “I didn't have a chance to grab anything when you kicked me out of my room,” he explained, covering his face with his hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Now it was Dan's turn to blush. “Oh God, Phil. I’m so sorry,” he blurted, getting to his feet, “Come on, let's go get dressed and then we can talk, yeah?” Phil chuckled, nodding._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Here, you can stay here and I'll go get dressed really quickly. I'll be right back,” Phil said, gesturing to the couch. Dan sat down roughly and then Phil was hurrying out of the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Dan had barely any time to compose himself or his thoughts before Phil was back, fully dressed. He didn't have any time to detangle his thoughts as they knotted themself up and intertwined with each other in an incoherent mess. This was going to be hard to explain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Phil sat back down on the couch, right next to Dan. Dan threw the green and blue duvet over both of their legs, fiddling with the fabric._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It was awkward, to say the least._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________They stayed in heavy silence for a long time. Normally, silences weren't awkward between them. They were comfortable and safe because they didn't need to talk to enjoy each other's company._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________But right now, the silence was as painful as sitting right next to the speakers at a concert. Dan was terribly aware of his heart beat, thrumming in his ears, blood racing to win a marathon._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Phil was the first to tear the taut silence. “Dan, why didn't you tell me you didn't like it? If it wasn't my fault, what was it?” he blurted, staring intensely._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Dan sighed, chewing on his bottom lip. “I didn't want to upset you. You were enjoying yourself and I didn't wanna ruin it with my problems,” he admitted, holding back his tears with a slowly cracking dam._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Phil shuffled closer, tentatively pulling Dan into his arms. Dan let him, turning to putty as Phil held him close to him. “I was enjoying myself because I thought _you _were enjoying yourself, Dan,” Phil explained, pulling back so he could look at Dan properly, “If I had known you were so upset about–about something, I would have stopped immediately.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Dan shuffled out of Phil's grasp, hugging his knees tightly and staring at the wooden coffee table. “Dan, please, I want to know what happened. I'm not going to judge you for whatever it is. I just want to know. I hated seeing you so hurt,” Phil babbled, eyes watering and voice pulled taut and high._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Dan rested his chin on his knees, shutting his eyes. “I don't know how to explain it. It just felt wrong. Even though you were so careful and gentle, it just felt like every second I wanted it to stop. It wasn't your fault,” Dan explained, repeating the phrase like it was his new mantra. He wanted Phil to know how much it was Dan's fault, not his._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Is it because we're two boys? Like, is that why it felt wrong?” Phil asked, void of any judgement in his tone. He was simply trying to understand. “Because it isn't. It's not wrong to feel this way, Dan.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Dan shook his head insistently. “It's not that. I've come to terms with my affinity for boys, now,” he explained, “It was like this with girls, too. It always feels wrong and uncomfortable and just–not right.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He turned to face Phil, tears brimming again. “Phil, I've loved you for so long, now. I trust you more than anyone else in the world and I want to be with you…” he said, trailing off, unable to word himself properly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“There's a but there, I can tell,” Phil whispered, “You want to be with me but.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________A tiny whimper came out and Dan ran his hands roughly through his curls. “I want to be with you, but I–I don't think I'll ever be what you want.” Dan's shoulders sagged with his explanation, feeling guilt and shame and sadness dropping on his shoulders and replacing his heart._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Why not?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Dan shook his head. “Because I don't want to have sex.” He had never allowed himself to consider it, never let himself to acknowledge that maybe that was what was going on. But now that he said it, he realised how true that statement was._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He never fantasized about sex, never had any wet dreams or random boners(well usually). He didn't care for the conversations he overheard, describing how amazing 'getting laid’ could be. He always skipped or ignored the sex scenes in films. When his past girlfriends had wanted to have sex, he had obliged, but only for them. It didn't feel right to him. It wasn't actively terrible, but Dan more tolerated than enjoyed sex._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________But something about being with Phil made it all the more real. Suddenly, Phil was overpowering his senses and ever present in his mind and feelings. Dan wanted to stop pretending that he was okay with it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________But now he was going to lose Phil because of his sincerity._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Okay. That's okay. We won't have sex then.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Dan's head snapped up so fast that it hurt, eyes impossibly wide and jaw settling on the carpet. His knees fell away and he stared in shock, trying to process what Phil had said._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“W-wait, wha?” he blurted stupidly, jaw still slack._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Phil chuckled, moving closer to brush his fingers over his cheekbones, wiping away the tears from a minute ago. “If you don't want to have sex, that's okay. I'm not going to pressure you into doing that. Ever,” Phil replied, voice steady and certain, jaw set, “If you want to go for it again someday in the future, I'd be all for it. If you never want to, then I'm completely okay with that. I'll survive. Sex isn't everything.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________For what felt like the millionth time that night, Dan burst into tears. He flung his arms around Phil's neck and nearly strangled the poor guy, yanking him close. He sobbed into his shoulder, overwhelmed by the sudden relief washing over him in a hurricane._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________All the years of crying himself to sleep feeling like he was broken. All the times he had forced himself to endure the discomfort. Down the drain. He felt new and weightless, clutching to Phil for dear life because he was okay and he wouldn't have to go through with that again if he didn't want to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________And that was okay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________It was just a few years later, after countless Google and Tumblr searches lasting into the night and past dawn that Dan finally stumbled upon something._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________It was already five in the morning and Dan still wasn't asleep. He had deep greyish purple bags forming under his eyes and his posture was slumped over his laptop as he sat alone on the couch in the living room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________His eyes widened as he read the screen, a balloon suddenly strapping itself to his shoulders and lifting him into the air. A laugh even escaped._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Phil! Phil, come here!” he shrieked, leaping to his feet and sprinting out of the room. He nearly slammed his laptop against the wall, kicking open the bedroom door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Phil sat up in bed, looking alarmed yet exhausted. He reached hastily for his glasses, blinking. “What? What is it? Is everything alright?” he asked, voice high with worry._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Dan grinned, nodding and hurrying over to the bed. He handed over the laptop. “I don't think I've ever been better,” he said with a grin, practically bouncing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________There, on the dimmed screen, finally answered every question that had kept Dan up and sent him to bed in tears for his entire life:_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________________Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterised by a persistent lack of sexual attraction. Individuals can still feel romantic attraction towards individuals, but will experience little to no sexual attraction. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
